2013's Lessons in Life

With today being the last day of 2013, I find myself thinking over my year & have decided to name 13 things I’ve learned over the last 365.  Here they are:

1.  Life is short; often times, much shorter than we want.  My year started off with a huge emotional jolt that rocked my foundation & it is ending with a huge jolt that has left me feeling a bit emotionally absent.  Far too many young lives lost, far too many parents having to bury their young ones & far too much sadness.  (Prayers for the Cotton Best family today, as they lost their loved one last night in a car accident)

2. Being a mother to two rambunctious boys makes me realize that you can’t float through life carefree & spontaneous anymore.  My inner free-spirit is always rebelling, but these boys desperately need structure & routine.

3.  Family means more to me than anyone else on this Earth.  At the end of the day, if I haven’t spoken to at least one family member, I feel a little lost.

4. Friends come & friends go … the ones that stick around unconditionally, are true.  Friendship isn’t about the time you get to spend together, it’s about feeling like you’re together even when you’re not.  I also learned I use the term “friend” loosely.  I sure have a lot of “acquaintances” & very little “friends”. But the little friends I do have, I feel like they’re family & love them dearly.

5. Motherhood makes me a better person… … but one mega-stressed-out-anxiety-ridden-mess most of the time.

6. Choosing to be happy in any circumstance is horse manure.  Sometimes, we just aren’t meant to be happy.

7. Speaking my mind gets me in trouble, so I learned this past year to try to hold my tongue. However, it has posed to be a problem because now I’m becoming numb to things … so I shall readdress this in 2014.

8.  Music is the best medicine.  It gives me freedom to feel whatever I need to be feeling at that particular time, without judgment.  Music is my best friend.

9.  God’s timing is way different than my own & I’m learning that the hard way.  His plans will reveal themselves in due time & I just need to strengthen my faith in 2014.

10.  Anxiety is real & hard as crud to get rid of.  Once your mind is introduced to anxiety, it rears its ugly head way too much & will require meditation & lots of deep breaths… and meds on occasion.

11.  I’m still not quite sure where it is that God wants me.  He’s given me so many interests in life; it’s hard for me to decide what it is he wants me to focus on.  (Refer to #9)

12.  I don’t have a “baby” anymore.  My boys are growing faster with every day that passes & I am having a hard time accepting that.  However, do not mistake that comment as a desire to have another baby, because I’m pretty sure #10 on this list will not allow additional children at this time.

13.  My husband, he kinda rocks.  Just sayin’.  

Happy New Year!  Here’s hoping we all learn something in the coming year, because if we aren’t learning; we aren’t growing.  

Cease & desist

Yelling.  What is yell?  It's defined as "to utter a loud cry, scream, or shout".  Apparently, I do this without knowing I'm doing it.  Apparently, this is not something my family likes about me.  Let's face it, I'm an emotionally charged person - if I'm passionate about something, I tend to express it; therefore, when I'm angry or irritated or otherwise unpleased with something, I will let you know in a form of yelling (apparently).  I don't particularly care to be this way & I don't really like it (even though my husband seems to think I really like it, because he claims I'm the one that wants to "argue it out") ~ but the reality is, I am this way & I am going to try, really (really, really, really) hard to not be this way.  I am going to order myself to cease & desist all yelling (in anger ... yelling in excitement is just going to have to be permitted, because every now & then, this chick has to let out a WOO HOO!).  It's going to be very hard for me to suck it up & learn to express my dissatisfaction in a non-yelling format (or elevated tone, most of the time, because I really don't think I "yell" all that much).  This morning, the 'ol hubs & I didn't see eye-to-eye with something & I instantly got a bit irritated with him.  In such situations, it's always better to just let me simmer down before making me speak.  However, the hubs is a "fixer" and therefore, has to pressure me to talk.  Does. Not. Work. Out. Well.  I try to tell him to just let me be, but he wants to "talk about it".  Ugh, do I LOOK like I want to talk?!  My facial expressions are pretty accurate to what I'm thinking & if I'm giving you hawty eyes & a growl, it's because in my head, I'm snapping your head off. Not a particularly good time for you to try to talk rational with me.  Well, one thing lead to another & I may or may not have yelled at him a few times - the jury is still out on that one - I call it "talking loudly" especially when I'm upset & trying to get my point across (I talk even louder when I'm being over-talked or being interrupted).  I've never been one to control my emotions well, luckily for most folks, I'm pretty laid back & don't usually get my feathers all ruffled; but for the 'ol hubs, he just has my number - that's all there is to it.  There is no one on this planet that can make me get to the level of irritated quite like my husband.  I love him dearly, but God bless him! I'm 0 - bitch mode in less than 2 seconds (seriously).  Back to the tiff... while we're tossing around blame, we hear from the living room "STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER!" ... ... & a little "ya ya ya YA YA!".  Our 4 year old & 1 year old boys are referee'ing us ... from another ROOM!  Hello forehead, says the hand! This is NOT what is suppose to be happening.  My boys are not suppose to be witnessing this type of manic behavior ... and they certainly aren't suppose to be the ones calling us out.  Once the "see they do hear us" & the "we have to stop this" comments were released from my husband, and he finally decided to leave me to myself ... and we went on about our morning & headed to work, I realized ... he's right (shhhhhh, don't tell him!) ... I do have to stop with this mess.  I was raised in a household with yelling & it sucked, royally!  I do not want my boys to experience the same.  I hope we haven't screwed them up too much already ... but from hence forth, I'm going to cease & desist with the yelling in anger.  It isn't necessary & it isn't fair to them (boys & husband included).  I am going to have to get my emotions in check & figure out a way to release this pent up aggression in other ways.  I'm considering kick-boxing, MMA fighting or maybe get medicated?!  Either way, I vow from this day forward, to not yell.  This should be interesting...

(Shake #11: Even when you think they [kids] can't hear you, they always hear you! They live what they learn, & they learn from us ... so let them learn to live happy.)

Little hope for humanity

This world is frightening ... utterly frightening.  I am reminded often that there is little hope for humanity.  In Boston, families are morning the dismemberment &/or lose of their loved ones due to a senseless act of cruelty.  A marathon, full of happy people, running for one reason or another ... and some psychotic terrorist (not confirmed) has not one, but two, pressure cooker bombs explode at the finish line... twice the mayhem. Ridiculous.  I don't want to feel this but I do ... I hope they catch the crazed fool(s) & blow them up.  Why can't everyone just get along?  I work in an environment that I often make that exact statement "why can't everyone just get along?" and I get the same response "without it, we wouldn't have jobs" ... hey, I'm okay with that! Not that I'm okay with not having a job, but seriously, I'm okay with the fact that people would get along & there wouldn't be reason to have trials over some petty bull larky like someone trespassing on property, or someone's baby mama took something that wasn't theirs and pawned it for money that was used to buy drugs rather than clothe their child, etc.  I'm seriously okay with a world without that mess.  However, unfortunately, we don't live in that world & after acts that was committed today & acts that have been committed like this for centuries, I'm realizing that the only way to achieve a life such as that is to move to, or start, a commune.  I'm completely fed up with unnecessary drama, unnecessary violence & unnecessary cruelty.  I don't know where all the problems started or what to do to fix it ... all I know is that it's there & it grates my nerves like none other.  I see the worst of the worst on many occasions, and if I don't see it, I'm hearing about it ... and it will literally make you run home & hug your babies or want to go home & hide in your house with a loaded gun, just waiting for the next cracked out guy/gal to try to use your house as a way for them to get their next fix. I pray, often, that God will take these matters into his hands & will help it cease to exist ... but I'm reminded that the last time the world got like this, he flooded the Earth, only leaving one family behind (well, & one male and one female of every animal) but he promised to never do that again - so what will he do?  Because we all know he isn't going to take much more of this crap.  At least, I imagine he won't ... ... shoot, maybe he's already started the elimination process.  Maybe he's responsible for global warming?! All I know, is today's senseless act is gut wrenching ... literally makes me sick to my stomach ... and I hope that justice is served & these guys/gals find their place in a very fiery hot & humid environment ... just sayin'.  I don't want to think like that, but it is what it is ... and I've thought it, therefore, I've shared it.  Do unto others, as you would have them do to you ... but in this instance, do unto others, as they have done to you. 

(Shake #10: Hammurabi's code would be strongly warranted in many situations, but especially in today's case.) 

Keeping it real

(Shake #9: Life is unscripted & meant to be self written)
It's the way of a blogger, to release via post... so, here I go ... today, I am a pressure cooker & in need of releasing some steam.  I am so annoyed by constant pain.  I know things happen for a reason, but for the love of life, I have no idea what I did for karma to get me back like this. At first I thought it was a way for me to slow down, take life a little less serious & quit going so much ... but now I'm wondering if it's a ploy to test the way I deal with stressful situations (just so you guys know, I'm failing miserably lately). My patience is running thin, my psyche has taken a big hit & my husband is my punching bag (not physically, luckily).  It's the results I was trying to avoid, but 6+ weeks into the injury & 4+ weeks post surgery - I am struggling. I don't typically compare myself to anyone, but right now - thinking of others dealing with much worse situations makes me humble & embarrassed to let this get to me. There are so many other things far worse than my petty little bum foot - some wonderful people I know have missing limbs & they're rockin' it out all day, every day like it's no big deal.  Some people I know have children that they wish they could see have a broken foot (not literally, but you know ... children that they wish could just up & walk & live life recklessly & foolishly - like kids do).  I clearly battle self pity parties, for sure ... and often times I quickly escape my pity parties unscathed.  However, the fact that I look at my 1 year old son ... and realize that even he knows he has to bring me my metal legs (crutches) in order for me to do anything for him, is kinda sad to me.  He (Mr. Independant himself) grunts to pick up the crutches & struggles to bring them over to me (goodness, don't try to help him, he'll show you he means business when he wants to do something by himself) ... then once he hands them to me, he'll motion for me to stand up by squatting & standing straight up repeatedly (it's actually really cute to witness, but also sad because he knows that's the only way Mom can get around).  I know ... I need to get it together ... it isn't that bad (trust me, I get that) but you have to remember that I've never been faced with a challenge like this, so please, let me express my frustration without shunning me.  I don't like taking meds repeatedly & extensively but in order to have little discomfort, I have to pop meds often.  I don't dig that.  I am very much ready to rid myself of necessary medication & rid myself of these crutches & get my tennis shoes out & take this show on the road.  I have never wanted to run so bad in my whole life.  Mark my words, once I'm able to get back in shoes & run ... I will run like a big, bad monster is chasing me ... & I may even flare my arms like a loon, scream like a wild man & possibly even skip occasionally.  So, if you see me doing this ... just clap & give me a thumbs up OR join me ... it'll be fun.  As for now, I'm going to pop another narcotic & an ibuprofen & wait til it kicks in - then I can sleep. Ta Ta for now. 

Reflections

(Shake #8: Take nothing for granted people, seriously)
 I am learning a very tough lesson in my recovery & that may not be the only lesson I'm suppose to be learning, but I'm certainly learning to be grateful for what I have & take nothing for granted.  I am getting a new outlook on what it is to be blessed.  I'm typically a "glass half full" kinda gal, but in my recent past, I've been in more of a "woe is me" mindset.  I've tried hard to shake that feeling & conquer those emotions, but when life as you knew it just stops, it will take a toll on your psyche.  Everyday is a new day, a new way for me to feel ... some days are good & some days are not so good.  Luckily, it's about tit-for-tat; no more bad days than good days.  On days when it's bad, I find myself wallowing in self pity ... looking around realizing that I am at the mercy of other people's kindness & generosity.  Without these selfless people, I would be in worse shape than I am - hence the grateful factor.  My mom has been my non-stop caregiver.  She is 69 years old & keeping up with me & my wild bunch is no easy task for someone in their 20's & 30's, let alone someone knocking on the door of 70.  She has prepared every meal (some of which she didn't have to make from scratch because great friends brought meals by), taken care of my boys, & spoiled Mr. Chyno (& she is NOT a dog person).  She has slept on our couch because we unfortunately do not have a spare bedroom, but not once has she complained.  She is currently battling a possible sinus infection from her allergies, but she keeps truckin' on.  I have no dirty clothes in my house, no dirty linens & my house stays straight.  She is a Godsend & wouldn't know what to do without her.  My husband has worked many long hours & with that, his parents have brought our boys home & on some instances, come & picked them up because my husband had to get to a job site before school starts.  I have always said that I want nothing more than to move to the beach & live the life of a beach bum family - where surfing & fishing & seashell collecting is a part of our regular routine -  but what in the world would I do if something like what we're dealing with were to happen with no family around?  Hmmm, come to think of it, my family doesn't live here but my Mom has come up to be with me ... so I guess she would do that no matter where I lived, huh?  Okay, so that dream can stay alive.  Phew.  Now back to being grateful & taking nothing for granted... walking is something mindless & something that I didn't really think of as a blessing until 2+ weeks ago.  Walking is the difference between an active life & a sedentary life (one that I'm not use to).  To have to quickly jump from being busy all day, everyday; running from one place to another all the time & continuously juggling the schedule of 2 young boys to doing absolutely nothing but elevating a bum foot is a vast & sudden change that will shake anyone (I would think).  However, I am now understanding why people say "you can choose to be happy or choose to be unhappy, but you can't be both" - as for me, I'm choosing to be happy (this is coming from me on a good day, check back on a bad day - haha) ... life has dealt us a hand that isn't easy to play, but it's the hand we're dealt & it's up to us (me & my mind) to make the most of it.  Today, I'm embracing my mandatory elevation/bed-rest & enjoying the ACC Tournament - without having had this injury & surgery, this is not something I'd be able to do.  I'm also able to spend some quality time with my mom ... something else I wouldn't get to do.  I am not getting much sleep or rest due to the pain & medication but because of that, I'm awake to get the morning routines ready for my boys (Wild Kratts @ 6:30 & Timmy Time @ 7) all the while snuggling with them while they eat their bananas & drink milk/juice (something I usually can't do because I'm too busy getting ready & straightening the house before work).  I've also had plenty of time to reflect on my life & I think there will be some changes coming my way.  Some will be immediate & some will be gradual - but one thing is for certain, life is too short to be unhappy & I want to make sure I take nothing (& I mean nothing) for granted. We live one life & one life only ... and if we aren't happy with the results of life's decisions, it's up to us to make different decisions to change that result.  I can't help what happened to me, but I can help the way I deal with it.  Today, is a good day; yesterday, a tough day ... but everyday, is a blessing. Smile folks ... it makes things better. (Sidenote: Today will be a much better day if the Pack brings us a WIN, just sayin')

Shake my head...

Our life this past week has been one challenge after another.  It starts with my foot surgery, that oddly enough was the least challenging of all.  In fact, it was so easy.  Everything went great... well; with the exception of the fact that when doc opened up the foot, the injury was more severe than the x-rays indicated.  Apparently the bones were shattered & he had to completely rebuild my right foot with screws, donor bone tissue & such.  The recovery was going great while the foot was totally numb, but when that bad boy woke up ... very different experience!  I couldn't get the pain management under control - none of the prescribed meds were taking the edge off.  Finally started to get some relief & learned very quickly to stay ahead of the pain (even if it meant sleeping the days away - luckily my boys weren't around to witness me sleep constantly - good call Mimi C). Well, 2 days post surgery, I'm feeling pretty good & decide to get up (against doc's orders) & try to straighten my house (this is what happens when I'm left alone, stubbornness rears its head) - I decide I'm cool to dust the living room & as I'm getting to the last table, I bump bum foot on the table. Yowzers. I quickly decided I would follow orders, back to bed I went.  Then the boys get back 3 days after surgery & it's full speed ahead. They do not understand why I'm laid up with my foot on pillows - they keep wanting me ... wanting me to do this, see that, fix this, read that ... non-stop action-filled needs. Thank goodness Mimi C was sticking around for the next 4 days! First morning post surgery that we're a family of 4 again (plus mi madre) & trying to get the boys back in routine, I'm being told that my oldest son has just thrown up. ?????? What in the world? You have got to be kidding me? After figuring out what lead to the spewing, I find out his Daddy had tried to pull him in for a little snuggle & thinks he squeezed him too hard? Okay, that sounds ... possible? The child doesn't appear to feel bad, he's running around the house as usual - he did say his tummy hurts, but he's just hungry - lets feed him! He eats a banana & claims he's full. I ask again if he feels okay & he said "yeah mom, I'm good - just needed that nana". Sweet, so off to WEE school he goes.  Yet around 10:30, home from WEE school he comes.  He's thrown up again.  Mom fail. (Sometimes it's so hard to figure out when young bucks are sick) Well, what I didn't tell you is that the day after my surgery, my folks call to let me know my youngest son has been acting as though he didn't feel well & later projectile vomited at the dinner table that evening. We ruled out a few scares & thought it might have been he was just homesick (hence the lethargic nature) and the vomit was because he was full & that last bit of applesauce was just a bit too much.  Apparently, not so much ... it was invasion of the stomach bug!!! That creepy, highly contagious, wouldn't wish it on my enemies (well maybe a few) stomach virus. My poor small guy had his 1st stomach bug & infected all of us.  Yes, ALL!  1st small guy, then my sister (who was staying at my folks house while the boys were there), then my oldest lil guy, then my Dad, then my Mom (who was with us), then me, then my Mom-in-law, then my husband, then last & least vicious, my Dad-in-law.  It tried to take us all out in the course of 6 days. We were a family full of funk & misery and a house full of germs & chaos! A wounded warrior mom trying to comfort sicklings & those of the like. By day 7, post surgery -  Mom left to go back home to see Dad & get the laundry & what not caught up and planned to return late Sunday evening. By day 9, post surgery, we were practically back to normal.  So much so that my husband took the boys & left me to "stay off my foot & rest from the chaos" - bad bad idea! About 10 minutes after their departure, I had to get up to let the dog out. 10 minutes after that, I'm crutching my crippled & angry hiney down the 8 brick front steps to win the battle between me & Chyno (said dog) - that fool stood in the driveway, staring at me while I did everything in my power to get him to come back inside.  He is just as stubborn as the rest of us!  Once I hobbled over to him, I was expecting him to play "cat & mouse" but I guess he sensed the fury & jolted inside with me speed crutching behind him.  Now granted, it was a gorgeous day & I wouldn't have wanted to go in either but kids could be walking the street, other folks with dogs walking, anything that could cause him to want to greet folks or scare the bejesus out of them & let's face it "ain't nobody got time for that".  So, me out of breath, I sit on the couch & take a few cleansing breaths & look around & suddenly got the overwhelming urge to organize the boys toys in the living room (to prepare for the cleaning lady to come) - along with the living room came the desire to organize the kitchen & the babies rooms. Friends, I am stubborn & a bit bull-headed ... but I felt good, I couldn't just ignore what was staring me in the face.  I can get more done in 15 minutes with no hubs & kids, than I can in 2 days with them around. Plus, a friend loaned me this handy dandy little knee scooter - so I tossed the crutches aside for the time & was racing through the house like an Indy 500 driver. Makin' it happen, man! Thrilled by my productivity & the lack of pain in my foot due to the scooter - I was flyin' high on happiness. This girl loves an organized house. Then it all came crashing down - all of me that was.  As I was trying to back the scooter out of this corner, Chyno ran right into me & my right knee slid off the scooter & I landed flat footed on the bum foot & then my tail & instictly grabbed 'ol bummy. Holy Guacamole! Wowzers.  After a few deep, cleansing breaths ... I scooted my way back to my room, put the scooter in the closet (where it still remains) & grabbed my faithful crutches & climbed back in bed.  I had the strangest sensations running through my foot & leg, but it surprisingly started to feel better much quicker than I was expecting.  I didn't even have to pop a pain med. Let's just say, I didn't do much more than chill for the rest of the solo time (which wasn't long, because my fellas arrived home shortly after the stumble & Mom arrived shortly after them). There were some other challenges that took place within those 9 days, but I just hit the high points. Gratefully we accepted all challenges, adjusted & moved on.  Now, let's see what this week has in store - so far, Doc told me "months & months before you walk", stay off the feet & my boys have colds.  Game, set, match! Let the challenge begin... 

(Shake # 7: Just because you feel well, doesn't always mean you are well ~ physically or mentally)

Shake their hand

I'm 3 days post surgery & I can officially say I want to shake the hand of any woman that has been put on extended bed rest; any woman that has a debilitating illness but carries on through the pain; any woman that has children while coping with pain; the list goes on.  I have already let stubbornness rule me & got up yesterday to dust my bedroom and livingroom & wash my bedding - I accidently bumped my foot & once the pain started to effect my vision, I quickly crawled back in bed, where I will stay. No boredom is worth that kind of pain.  I'm already having a difficult time trying to control the pain, stubbornness is only making that challenge more of a battle.  Luckily, I haven't had many distractions after the surgery ... our boys have been with my parents, because Mom knew it would be hard on them to see me in pain.  I am very grateful they were not here when my foot finally woke up - that was some very real pain.  It started off with sharp shooting pains radiating up my leg, then it started to feel like my foot was in a vice & someone was putting a lit match to it in multiple spots at one time.  I was not prepared for those sensations.  I often internalize my pain, but Saturday, I did not ... I was vocal, in a classic calm way - avoided all the ugly words that came to mind... but I was certainly not yelling, just not keeping the pain to myself.  I'd put the pain up against childbirth ... although, I never have experienced true childbirth because I went the route of epidural with both boys.  However, I can honestly say I've never felt discomfort quite like this - just call me a woosie!! I am not able to sleep well & I'm looking around my bedroom thinking about everything I wish I could get done, but can't.  These are the things that make me struggle - the inability to accept the fact I can't do diddly-squat right now.  I took a bath yesterday & got out of bed to eat supper that was cooked & brought over by my Mom-in-law (delish! Some good soul food!) - just with that little bit of moving sent my pain into overdrive.  Now granted, it could have also been an added stressor because I had been up earlier in the day (remember, stubborn me wanted to clean) ... but let me just say, ignoring the fact I'm in pain doesn't work with this injury.  It's very real & very loud about how real it is.  (Shake #6: When doc says stay off your feet, stay off of them - they really do know what their talking about) So I will face another true test today ... my boys are coming home!!!!  I am so ready to see them.  My currently quiet house will be full of excitement & fun, & probably a bit chaotic too.  My sweet husband has been very attentive & has surpassed every expectation I had as far as Nurse Hubby went, but now he'll have to juggle me & the boys.  Luckily, my Mom will be around for a while to help out ... but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was worried about how he'll cope with all of the "excitement". =) I just giggled a little bit thinking about it.  That's evil of me isn't it? He owns his own business, of course he can run this house ... but orchestrating a team of grown men & orchestrating a couple of wild boys & a stubborn wife while her mother is in town, are vastly different.  One thing about it, we'll either survive this & be much stronger or we'll tank this & wind up in the middle of WW III.  Only time will tell.  As for now, I'm going to put down this blog & try to get some shut eye (HA! I laugh) ... my Mom is on her way with my boys & I am so ready to see them, but this mama needs a snooze before the reality strikes.  Until next time, pray for my husband ... after this, I'll want to shake HIS hand.