Reflections

(Shake #8: Take nothing for granted people, seriously)
 I am learning a very tough lesson in my recovery & that may not be the only lesson I'm suppose to be learning, but I'm certainly learning to be grateful for what I have & take nothing for granted.  I am getting a new outlook on what it is to be blessed.  I'm typically a "glass half full" kinda gal, but in my recent past, I've been in more of a "woe is me" mindset.  I've tried hard to shake that feeling & conquer those emotions, but when life as you knew it just stops, it will take a toll on your psyche.  Everyday is a new day, a new way for me to feel ... some days are good & some days are not so good.  Luckily, it's about tit-for-tat; no more bad days than good days.  On days when it's bad, I find myself wallowing in self pity ... looking around realizing that I am at the mercy of other people's kindness & generosity.  Without these selfless people, I would be in worse shape than I am - hence the grateful factor.  My mom has been my non-stop caregiver.  She is 69 years old & keeping up with me & my wild bunch is no easy task for someone in their 20's & 30's, let alone someone knocking on the door of 70.  She has prepared every meal (some of which she didn't have to make from scratch because great friends brought meals by), taken care of my boys, & spoiled Mr. Chyno (& she is NOT a dog person).  She has slept on our couch because we unfortunately do not have a spare bedroom, but not once has she complained.  She is currently battling a possible sinus infection from her allergies, but she keeps truckin' on.  I have no dirty clothes in my house, no dirty linens & my house stays straight.  She is a Godsend & wouldn't know what to do without her.  My husband has worked many long hours & with that, his parents have brought our boys home & on some instances, come & picked them up because my husband had to get to a job site before school starts.  I have always said that I want nothing more than to move to the beach & live the life of a beach bum family - where surfing & fishing & seashell collecting is a part of our regular routine -  but what in the world would I do if something like what we're dealing with were to happen with no family around?  Hmmm, come to think of it, my family doesn't live here but my Mom has come up to be with me ... so I guess she would do that no matter where I lived, huh?  Okay, so that dream can stay alive.  Phew.  Now back to being grateful & taking nothing for granted... walking is something mindless & something that I didn't really think of as a blessing until 2+ weeks ago.  Walking is the difference between an active life & a sedentary life (one that I'm not use to).  To have to quickly jump from being busy all day, everyday; running from one place to another all the time & continuously juggling the schedule of 2 young boys to doing absolutely nothing but elevating a bum foot is a vast & sudden change that will shake anyone (I would think).  However, I am now understanding why people say "you can choose to be happy or choose to be unhappy, but you can't be both" - as for me, I'm choosing to be happy (this is coming from me on a good day, check back on a bad day - haha) ... life has dealt us a hand that isn't easy to play, but it's the hand we're dealt & it's up to us (me & my mind) to make the most of it.  Today, I'm embracing my mandatory elevation/bed-rest & enjoying the ACC Tournament - without having had this injury & surgery, this is not something I'd be able to do.  I'm also able to spend some quality time with my mom ... something else I wouldn't get to do.  I am not getting much sleep or rest due to the pain & medication but because of that, I'm awake to get the morning routines ready for my boys (Wild Kratts @ 6:30 & Timmy Time @ 7) all the while snuggling with them while they eat their bananas & drink milk/juice (something I usually can't do because I'm too busy getting ready & straightening the house before work).  I've also had plenty of time to reflect on my life & I think there will be some changes coming my way.  Some will be immediate & some will be gradual - but one thing is for certain, life is too short to be unhappy & I want to make sure I take nothing (& I mean nothing) for granted. We live one life & one life only ... and if we aren't happy with the results of life's decisions, it's up to us to make different decisions to change that result.  I can't help what happened to me, but I can help the way I deal with it.  Today, is a good day; yesterday, a tough day ... but everyday, is a blessing. Smile folks ... it makes things better. (Sidenote: Today will be a much better day if the Pack brings us a WIN, just sayin')

Shake my head...

Our life this past week has been one challenge after another.  It starts with my foot surgery, that oddly enough was the least challenging of all.  In fact, it was so easy.  Everything went great... well; with the exception of the fact that when doc opened up the foot, the injury was more severe than the x-rays indicated.  Apparently the bones were shattered & he had to completely rebuild my right foot with screws, donor bone tissue & such.  The recovery was going great while the foot was totally numb, but when that bad boy woke up ... very different experience!  I couldn't get the pain management under control - none of the prescribed meds were taking the edge off.  Finally started to get some relief & learned very quickly to stay ahead of the pain (even if it meant sleeping the days away - luckily my boys weren't around to witness me sleep constantly - good call Mimi C). Well, 2 days post surgery, I'm feeling pretty good & decide to get up (against doc's orders) & try to straighten my house (this is what happens when I'm left alone, stubbornness rears its head) - I decide I'm cool to dust the living room & as I'm getting to the last table, I bump bum foot on the table. Yowzers. I quickly decided I would follow orders, back to bed I went.  Then the boys get back 3 days after surgery & it's full speed ahead. They do not understand why I'm laid up with my foot on pillows - they keep wanting me ... wanting me to do this, see that, fix this, read that ... non-stop action-filled needs. Thank goodness Mimi C was sticking around for the next 4 days! First morning post surgery that we're a family of 4 again (plus mi madre) & trying to get the boys back in routine, I'm being told that my oldest son has just thrown up. ?????? What in the world? You have got to be kidding me? After figuring out what lead to the spewing, I find out his Daddy had tried to pull him in for a little snuggle & thinks he squeezed him too hard? Okay, that sounds ... possible? The child doesn't appear to feel bad, he's running around the house as usual - he did say his tummy hurts, but he's just hungry - lets feed him! He eats a banana & claims he's full. I ask again if he feels okay & he said "yeah mom, I'm good - just needed that nana". Sweet, so off to WEE school he goes.  Yet around 10:30, home from WEE school he comes.  He's thrown up again.  Mom fail. (Sometimes it's so hard to figure out when young bucks are sick) Well, what I didn't tell you is that the day after my surgery, my folks call to let me know my youngest son has been acting as though he didn't feel well & later projectile vomited at the dinner table that evening. We ruled out a few scares & thought it might have been he was just homesick (hence the lethargic nature) and the vomit was because he was full & that last bit of applesauce was just a bit too much.  Apparently, not so much ... it was invasion of the stomach bug!!! That creepy, highly contagious, wouldn't wish it on my enemies (well maybe a few) stomach virus. My poor small guy had his 1st stomach bug & infected all of us.  Yes, ALL!  1st small guy, then my sister (who was staying at my folks house while the boys were there), then my oldest lil guy, then my Dad, then my Mom (who was with us), then me, then my Mom-in-law, then my husband, then last & least vicious, my Dad-in-law.  It tried to take us all out in the course of 6 days. We were a family full of funk & misery and a house full of germs & chaos! A wounded warrior mom trying to comfort sicklings & those of the like. By day 7, post surgery -  Mom left to go back home to see Dad & get the laundry & what not caught up and planned to return late Sunday evening. By day 9, post surgery, we were practically back to normal.  So much so that my husband took the boys & left me to "stay off my foot & rest from the chaos" - bad bad idea! About 10 minutes after their departure, I had to get up to let the dog out. 10 minutes after that, I'm crutching my crippled & angry hiney down the 8 brick front steps to win the battle between me & Chyno (said dog) - that fool stood in the driveway, staring at me while I did everything in my power to get him to come back inside.  He is just as stubborn as the rest of us!  Once I hobbled over to him, I was expecting him to play "cat & mouse" but I guess he sensed the fury & jolted inside with me speed crutching behind him.  Now granted, it was a gorgeous day & I wouldn't have wanted to go in either but kids could be walking the street, other folks with dogs walking, anything that could cause him to want to greet folks or scare the bejesus out of them & let's face it "ain't nobody got time for that".  So, me out of breath, I sit on the couch & take a few cleansing breaths & look around & suddenly got the overwhelming urge to organize the boys toys in the living room (to prepare for the cleaning lady to come) - along with the living room came the desire to organize the kitchen & the babies rooms. Friends, I am stubborn & a bit bull-headed ... but I felt good, I couldn't just ignore what was staring me in the face.  I can get more done in 15 minutes with no hubs & kids, than I can in 2 days with them around. Plus, a friend loaned me this handy dandy little knee scooter - so I tossed the crutches aside for the time & was racing through the house like an Indy 500 driver. Makin' it happen, man! Thrilled by my productivity & the lack of pain in my foot due to the scooter - I was flyin' high on happiness. This girl loves an organized house. Then it all came crashing down - all of me that was.  As I was trying to back the scooter out of this corner, Chyno ran right into me & my right knee slid off the scooter & I landed flat footed on the bum foot & then my tail & instictly grabbed 'ol bummy. Holy Guacamole! Wowzers.  After a few deep, cleansing breaths ... I scooted my way back to my room, put the scooter in the closet (where it still remains) & grabbed my faithful crutches & climbed back in bed.  I had the strangest sensations running through my foot & leg, but it surprisingly started to feel better much quicker than I was expecting.  I didn't even have to pop a pain med. Let's just say, I didn't do much more than chill for the rest of the solo time (which wasn't long, because my fellas arrived home shortly after the stumble & Mom arrived shortly after them). There were some other challenges that took place within those 9 days, but I just hit the high points. Gratefully we accepted all challenges, adjusted & moved on.  Now, let's see what this week has in store - so far, Doc told me "months & months before you walk", stay off the feet & my boys have colds.  Game, set, match! Let the challenge begin... 

(Shake # 7: Just because you feel well, doesn't always mean you are well ~ physically or mentally)

Shake their hand

I'm 3 days post surgery & I can officially say I want to shake the hand of any woman that has been put on extended bed rest; any woman that has a debilitating illness but carries on through the pain; any woman that has children while coping with pain; the list goes on.  I have already let stubbornness rule me & got up yesterday to dust my bedroom and livingroom & wash my bedding - I accidently bumped my foot & once the pain started to effect my vision, I quickly crawled back in bed, where I will stay. No boredom is worth that kind of pain.  I'm already having a difficult time trying to control the pain, stubbornness is only making that challenge more of a battle.  Luckily, I haven't had many distractions after the surgery ... our boys have been with my parents, because Mom knew it would be hard on them to see me in pain.  I am very grateful they were not here when my foot finally woke up - that was some very real pain.  It started off with sharp shooting pains radiating up my leg, then it started to feel like my foot was in a vice & someone was putting a lit match to it in multiple spots at one time.  I was not prepared for those sensations.  I often internalize my pain, but Saturday, I did not ... I was vocal, in a classic calm way - avoided all the ugly words that came to mind... but I was certainly not yelling, just not keeping the pain to myself.  I'd put the pain up against childbirth ... although, I never have experienced true childbirth because I went the route of epidural with both boys.  However, I can honestly say I've never felt discomfort quite like this - just call me a woosie!! I am not able to sleep well & I'm looking around my bedroom thinking about everything I wish I could get done, but can't.  These are the things that make me struggle - the inability to accept the fact I can't do diddly-squat right now.  I took a bath yesterday & got out of bed to eat supper that was cooked & brought over by my Mom-in-law (delish! Some good soul food!) - just with that little bit of moving sent my pain into overdrive.  Now granted, it could have also been an added stressor because I had been up earlier in the day (remember, stubborn me wanted to clean) ... but let me just say, ignoring the fact I'm in pain doesn't work with this injury.  It's very real & very loud about how real it is.  (Shake #6: When doc says stay off your feet, stay off of them - they really do know what their talking about) So I will face another true test today ... my boys are coming home!!!!  I am so ready to see them.  My currently quiet house will be full of excitement & fun, & probably a bit chaotic too.  My sweet husband has been very attentive & has surpassed every expectation I had as far as Nurse Hubby went, but now he'll have to juggle me & the boys.  Luckily, my Mom will be around for a while to help out ... but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was worried about how he'll cope with all of the "excitement". =) I just giggled a little bit thinking about it.  That's evil of me isn't it? He owns his own business, of course he can run this house ... but orchestrating a team of grown men & orchestrating a couple of wild boys & a stubborn wife while her mother is in town, are vastly different.  One thing about it, we'll either survive this & be much stronger or we'll tank this & wind up in the middle of WW III.  Only time will tell.  As for now, I'm going to put down this blog & try to get some shut eye (HA! I laugh) ... my Mom is on her way with my boys & I am so ready to see them, but this mama needs a snooze before the reality strikes.  Until next time, pray for my husband ... after this, I'll want to shake HIS hand.

Thoughts shake the sleep

It's way past my bedtime but yet, I'm still up.  My house is quiet, well... with the exception of my dog licking himself after his bath - thaaaat's nice. I just don't feel drowsy & my mind is working in overdrive.  I have the thoughts of what I wish I had gotten done at work, that I didn't; the thoughts of my boys having safe travels with my parents; thoughts of friends dealing with difficult situations; thoughts of family battling for life; thoughts of having surgery... thoughts, after thoughts, after thoughts. I am alone with my thoughts ... this is never good.  Before I know it, I'll be redecorating our house. But with every few thoughts, the surgery keeps coming back to mind - it's probably because it's tomorrow morning or possibly because my foot throbs/aches in pain every few moments? Whichever it is, it's definitely on my mind. I have been asked a few different times if I'm okay about the surgery or am I nervous about it... and I haven't been, at all.  However, now I'm starting to think about post surgery.  What is THAT going to feel like? I'm going to have hardware in my foot, something my body should naturally try to reject.  Then wear this stinking boot for another 12 weeks - am I going to have to depend on someone to cart me around these next 3 months?  Not nervous about the surgery, but now worried about the aftermath.  I hope my poor husband is ready for this roller coaster. =) I am typically a pretty good patient, but stubbornness can rear its ugly head. (Shake #5: Learning to "let go & let God" is a tough concept, but he has a way of making sure we grasp it) Okay, I'm getting the "you should probably go to sleep" from my sweet hubs & honestly, I think writing this has finally helped me feel drowsy, so I shall take it to bed. Hopefully I'll shake all the thoughts & give my mind a break, because I need some good Zzz's.  (BTW: The parents are home safely with our boys, one thought has now gone to bed).  Goodnight all.

Surgery at 11:15am, 3-1-13 ... ...

Motherhood stalls...

This lack of mobility is kicking my rumpshaker ... mentally: I think I'm coming face to face with depression, I feel like everything is an uphill battle & physically: my left hip & ankle are giving me some aches due to the pressure of only using that leg.

Four days into the injury and I finally had a break down ~ poor lil A.P. didn't understand why in the world his Mommy was crying uncontrollably & honestly, I don't know that I knew either.  It could be the pain meds, it could be the lack of sleep (the 30 minute increments are not restful); it could be the fact I'm having to depend on everyone for everything, it could be that I can't pick up my boys when they want me to, it could be that I can't do a single motherhood activity right now ... or it could be all of the above combined.  All I know is that I was a basketcase & could not stop crying.  My sweet husband decided that it would be best if he took the boys & got out of the house for a little while so that I could try to get some rest Sunday.  Even though I am suppose to be immobile, I had tried to do more than I should have on Saturday.  The change up in the pain meds made me feel much better (little to no barfarama) - so I didn't lay around in the bed all day, I was actually up & moving around. My Mom-in-law came over Saturday morning to help out with the boys, so that my husband could go to work - while there she cleaned my bathrooms (awesome! so grateful!!) & then my Mom came over to relieve my Mom-in-law that afternoon & she did the majority of our laundry & cooked me lunch (sweet! again, super grateful!) ... even with both of them there, the minimal moving & grooving that I did put me in excruciating pain by later afternoon (as if my foot was coming detached from my leg) ... so we had to end up confirmed-no-shows for a gathering our entire family had been looking forward to... another reason why I could have possibly lost my cool Sunday morning.  So come Sunday, after my husband took my boys ... I was instructed to not move from the bed, to rest & rest some more - and I did.  I still slept in 30 minute increments, but it was just enough to feel normal again.  By 2pm or so, I was human enough to get myself ready for the afternoon ahead (Discovering the Dinosaurs - as promised to a very excited 4 year old - pimping the 1960 wheelchair, courtesy of G'ma Dot - uber grateful!).

I am trying very hard to keep in mind that luckily this is only temporary & that I need to just get my 'ish together & adjust & move on ... but I'm having the hardest time convincing myself that I'm cool with everything.  I know & pray for so many people with much bigger problems & they handle them much better than I am with my petty little problem.  What the heck is wrong with me?  I am stronger than this ... but for whatever reason, the strength must be residing with my sleep, because neither one of them are present. I am seriously struggling with this whole "depend on others" thing.  It is making me lose my mind ... up in here, up in here ... yes, I just busted out a lil DMX action on everyone. Seriously though, the smallest task now seems so big.  Just going to the restroom is a task all in itself ... hoping over to get the crutches, then pinching the crud out of my armpits with the crutches, then balancing on one foot to sit, etc. ... I know "this too will pass" but right now, it is very real & very challenging.  I will man up & I will be okay ... because that's how I am ... but right now, I'm not okay & I'm not manning-up.  I'm pouting & I'm losing my battle ... I don't like stalling out in motherhood.  As many times as I've said "I just wish for one day my husband would know what I do" ... I'd take them back instantly.  I miss what it is that I do! Color me grateful & lesson learned - God, you made your point.  Thank you for humbling me.

(Shake #4: God will answer your wishes - in whatever way he deems appropriate. I’m stubborn, so drastic measures were necessary. Think twice before wishing)

Shake, Shake, Shake

So, it's been a challenging time in my world lately.  Wednesday night, around 5:15'ish, I took a fall onto a brick patio, from 2 cement stairs high - in 3 inch heels, nonetheless.  I was trying to unlock a door while holding a 1 year old on my right hip & an anxious-to-get-inside 4 year old on my left leg... when I pulled the door open, my 4 year old lost his balance & tried to use me to gain balance - resulting in a tumble that shook my soul.  All I could do, while falling, was let out these weird "ooh", "ahhh", "oh!" noises in fear that one of my babies were going to get hurt.  Miraculously, neither boy was harmed.  I, on the other hand, was in some serious discomfort... my right foot felt broken & my big toe was perpendicular to my foot - sticking straight up in the air.  I did what any other person would do, pushed that bad boy back in it's correct position.  My 4 year old is saying, in a calm but concerned tone, "get up Mom, get up"... my 1 year old is whaling because he too wants me to stand up (you can't hold him sitting down).  I muster up the courage & strength & get up.  Not once did I let go of that baby - I still don't know how I did it... but I fell, took care of everyone & got my injured tail up, all while holding my mini-linebacker. Just call me Ninja Mom. Luckily, a coworker was still in the office, so she & my 4 year old went into doctor mode until my husband could get to us & get me to a doc.  He gets there & carries the boys & I to my car.  Have you ever used your left foot to accelerate a vehicle?  I did that night ... not as awkward as I was expecting - just a few whiplash moments for my 4 year old, but nothing too extreme.  (Hey, I was using my left foot... lack of tap control happens)  I drove because we didn't need to leave either ride at the place where I fell - so I manned up & got my boys safely to my in-laws, while he drove to get food for the boys.  We leave his truck at his folks, along with our hungry & excited babies (they love the idea of spending the night with grandparents), & head to Rex Express Care in Wakefield.  

We didn't wait even 30 minutes & we were back in a room getting the care I needed. Turns out I'm rocking a Linsfranc sprain/fracture.  What?  You don't know what that is?  ;). Me either... it's a mid foot injury to the ligaments & bones (named after the French doc to first discover it).  They splint me, med me, crutch me & make me feel like Super Mom for being so "together & calm" - but really, I was in pain people ... extreme pain. They tell me to follow up with an Ortho Specialist & remind me to keep off of it & elevate above my heart.  Done.

(Shake #3: It's easy to stay off your feet when kids aren't around)  

I didn't sleep well, but that was to be expected. Go to work Thursday, answer all the "what happened?" questions & did not take my morning pain med dose, I thought just ibuprofen would do the trick - NOT A GOOD IDEA!  I eventually gave in and took the mid day dose of pain med.  Total barfaroma ... I felt horrible.  I don't know what's worse, the throbbing/stabbing pain or the queasy/hot flash/nausea/want to pass out feeling.  Luckily my husband was on the way to take me to the specialist - I attempted to sleep off the shaky/pain med related illness while taking the 45 minute drive.  It kinda/sorta helped, I didn't spew - so I call that successful.  We get to Ortho Specialist of North Carolina in Wakefield (barely wait, again - awesome!) & we get back & the doc says "well, you've done a number to that foot" - that can't be good.

So it looks like we're having surgery folks. Broke the first two metatarsal bones in the mid foot, chipped the middle metatarsal bone & the ligament responsible for flexing the foot for stable walking is no longer attached due to the first metatarsal bone being broke.  He said you see this type of injury in football players, apparently where they get their foot planted & then stepped on. I didn't get stepped on, but I certainly did plant my heel & roll my foot. So we're looking at some screws & a bone anchor. My husband asked if we could get a discount if we brought our own materials, though they found it funny ... they said no. Dang! They put me in a boot, instead of the splint, because the boot is sturdier & easier to put on & take off and it is better for my foot positioning.  It hurts significantly worse since having the boot, but luckily I can loosen the straps & give the foot a breather or take it off completely (but only if I'm disciplined enough to keep it still).  Surgery is set for Friday, March 1st ... with at least a couple of weeks of bed rest to recover from the surgery & then 3 more months of the boot.  I think I'm going to go crazy ... well, crazier ... I'm already pretty batty.  But hey, on the upside ... I will have more time for blogging.  BO YA!

So the fall shook my soul, shook up my boys, shook my bones & currently shaking my emotions ... and the surgery is going to make us shake the piggy bank ... and guess what, the fall is all on video!  Thanks Granville County Courthouse. =)

Shake me up!

I consider myself very lucky to be able to work full-time and be able to take & pick up my 4 year old every Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday from preschool.  It’s the highlight of those days.  He is always so full of comments & he’s incredibly insightful to be 4 years old.  I’ve recently told him that water puddles have cootie bugs ~ so when he sees a water puddle, he automatically wants to know if there are cootie bugs living in there – so I have to get real close to the water puddle & pretend to peer in & every time I say “Yep!  They're in there.”  He’s soon going to catch on to me, but for right now, its keeping shoes & socks dry… (Shake #2:  Fun tales are glorified lies)  Today, after passing a cootie bug home, he gets in the car & decides to ask me who made cootie bugs.  I told him I wasn’t really sure and he asked if God made them.  To avoid further lies, I told him God makes everything.  He proceeds to tell me "That's pretty cool".  Then we drive pass a cemetery in town & he says “Do people drive through there?”  I told him no, that people are buried there & you don’t really want to drive over their graves.  He then asked if their bodies are still there … and I told him that it’s an old cemetery, so their bodies have probably turned to dirt.  Then I told him that their spirits are in Heaven.  He didn’t understand, and I didn’t really go into detail – but he said “Who fixes their bodies when they’re in Heaven?” … I told him “Jesus”. (It's the first answer to come to mind) Then he says “Who made us?” ~ I told him “God made us”.  He then asks one of the questions of all questions … “Does God have hands & feet, arms & legs, a belly & eyes & a mouth?” … …  I pause because I’m not sure how to answer this.  Awkward.  Isn’t God a spirit?  He’s never been seen … he’s our Heavenly Father & our creator … but he doesn’t have a description, does he?  He then says “well, does he?” … so I swallow the wad of saliva that is collecting in my throat, took a deep breath & said “I don’t know, son, I’ve never met him”...  (PHEW! I can't be lying about God, that's an answer that deserves to be discussed truthfully) ... “The only thing I know is that we’re made in his image … so if that’s the case, I assume he probably has the same things we have.” … after consideration, this conversation could have gone in a very different direction – as in Boys vs. Girls … but luckily my answer completely satisfied his curiosity.  

Note:  My 4 year old has the power to shake me up!  A child after my own heart, well, and Jim Morrison’s “I like to shake people up and make them feel uncomfortable”.